A brassy orange, a Walmart blonde before me.
Stooped from wear and tear and not age- but ages.
At my own height now she was frail
I could see that today
The childish tugging at my shirt hem, begging with frantic blinking blinking blinking eyes to PLEASE
Please don’t say

Well if there is no evil here, than what is not to say?

But there isn’t time to be clever, not today
Sweatpants from an old lover swooshing back and firth behind me out of the tiny room where we huddled in our telepathic conversation
Argument
Trial
Judgement
A thirty second deliberation that lasted for the past eleven years
All while that woman knocked on the door
And when I opened it, I thought, “I will open this door for the last time.
We will take this lady as a chauffeur- no- as a white horse chariot
And we will get the fuck out of here”
We three children chimed together in a solemn song of shared truths
There were many notebooks in the woman’s car.

It was the last time I saw my mother.

More Hilarious Convos Re: Social Media and my Weird Life;) This one is called: “Do You Even Life Bro?”

  • Conversation started May 1
  • Richie Aldrich

    how do you like life as a gf

  • Wednesday
  • Sarah Jean

    As a gf? What do you mean?

  • Richie Aldrich

    As a girlfriend in a partnership with a man

  • Sarah Jean

    You mean how do I like life being in a commited relationship versus being single?

    for some reason this message went to my “other” inbox on fb

  • Sarah Jean

    ps. why are you assuming i am a gf and not single? I’m so confused

  • Richie Aldrich

    I was just asking how, in life, You enjoy being with a man thats all. Some people LOVE being single some love serial dating some love perpetual monogamy. How do you like being in a relationship

  • Sarah Jean

    Depends on the relationship! Sometimes they’re better than being alone- sometimes they suck! Do I know you?

  • Richie Aldrich

    I’m making friends with you right now

  • Sarah Jean

    True, just a weird thing to ask someone you don’t know… And i do have a fiace. You’re from Long Island?

  • Richie Aldrich

    fiace is spelled fiancé. Your profile says you are single and yes Sara jean I’m from long island and weird.

  • Sarah Jean

    Thats because I don’t put all my business on a social media site. My friends on fb know I’m engaged cause they all know me. My name is Sara(h) Jean with an H!

  • Richie Aldrich

    Feisty. I’m not trying to fight with you. I want to be a flight Stewart and i wanted to make friends in California. SO when you were suggested as a friend i jumped on it. Ive had a lot of people to my house from California and having some people to visit out there would help me see them more. I’m star struck.

  • Richie Aldrich

    I’ll find someone else. Someone a little less. Engaged. A little less. resistant. A little more friendly and congenial.

  • Sarah Jean

    You are weird sorry. To ask me how I like being a girlfriend as your opener is weird. Especially since you noted my profile says single. Sorry it’s 2013 and they rapin’ errrbody out here. I don’t talk to strangers. Good luck on your search though!

  • Richie Aldrich

    Posing to be single when the most important day of your life is approaching is way more weird then learning if you like or dislike being in a relationship. If i move to LA. I’m going to want a gf. Image that i didn’t’ use some pick up artist template to trick you into warming up to me. I was just casual, Hey you like being with a man or are you the lone wolf type. Casual didn’t come across well but knowing that i could be madly in love with you and we could have been dating a long time and ready to marry. Yet you still would have your self listed as single on the internet. Well. For men everywhere. Fuck You Bitch. Respect the man that wants you as his other half and represent that man with respect. Its one thing to be weird cause you didn’t take time to plan what you said to someone with a strategy. Its another thing to have a man in your life who proposed to you, that you accepted then you dont’ even show him the respect of posting it to your social sites. Divorce. Learn about it now. Its on the horizon.

  • Sarah Jean

    Hahahaah. Bro labels aren’t everyone’s thing. My fiancé doesn’t have himself listed in a relationship either. We don’t care about that shit. Neither one of us is going out of our way to change some dumb status. Who cares? So mad, do you even lift?!

  • Richie Aldrich

    If being labeled wasn’t your thing then why the engagement stupid ass. Why marriage. A label is exactly what you two are doing to one another. Get your shit straight or your man is marrying a fool. Worry less about lifting and more about being a smart woman someone can feel proud to be wed to. Labels aren’t everyones thing lmao.

You cannot reply to this conversation. Either the recipient’s account was disabled or its privacy settings don’t allow replies.
*I Am Blocked LOL

Divorce Haikus are Always Too Long

You will never love me the way that I love you
And this is not to argue
(Yes, for once, for once)
No victimized plea will be heard in this house
(Yes, I mean anymore)

I won’t blame “life,” as life is many things
No
By the time I came by with short skirts and clumsy ankles
Your smitten phase was worn over from one too many five foot girls past

And I know
Another girl, some other girl could bring it back
But not me, not ever
Even amidst the excitement of first kiss to taking trips to New York City
You had a brown bitter specks swimming in your eyes
That in pictures I see only in the itty bitty corners of otherwise glossy, upturned lids
Towards the direction of that other girl
Whose always under your tattooed arm
The other girl with the face and presence of a ghost
Whose lithe body walked lightly while she spoke
She would be the girl you lost but who never left you
She shares the building with us now
She walked with us in New York
She dances atop your head and you Look at me with such revile
For keeping you apart, for interrupting daydreams to ask what we’re doing for dinner.
But I’d give you to each other
Over and over again, if I could catch her
You don’t see me, don’t see my stories, you tell yourself (and I) You’re trying
But it’s a passionless fight
It’s a battle without the fuck at the end
(A “supposed to”)
What a useless war to be won then!
Crying makes a pity, fuels a resentful flame
And you know- god you know that I deserve more
And you’re mad-lord you’re mad that I only wanted you
And I know you won’t be the last one to touch that door handle, lest you start to interrogate yourself,
It’s much easier to slowly turn me by the shoulders, at a 90 degree angle
Over the years
Until I march myself away on a freedom plight
On an idea I’ll be ever so confident was my own
But it’s too late, I already know

It’s the way that you so callously fled
Without a word for too many months to “this broken waitress girl”
It’s the way you chased women who I can’t call whores
With a violin I thought you’d learned for me
(While I drew out beautiful, intricate plans to make sure I’d never see another man)
It’s the way I shook when I saw you again and how I could try
And could not dare look back at your smile lines
The way you looked straight at me and by
and said hello with such good posture and again again again
goodbye
I am not the fool who can’t recognize miserable
I am not the fool who thinks I can trick you to hold me
Just a little bit longer
You will never call me darling
Unless you’re joking about cocks or something
You will never be so selfless to remember the cat food
Or grasp at the weight of the small things I’ve said to you
I.Will.Always.Resent.You.For.Your.Non.Reciprocation

But I know
It isn’t your fault
You do not love me the way I love you
It’s the way you don’t watch my eyelids twitch when I’m dreaming big
It’s the way you don’t say I love you (until you should)
It’s the way I’m writing this in the bedroom of our house
With her (in our bed)
And you’re writing about her in the living room (on our couch)

She hands me a cigarette and says
“Trust me, you can have him. You’re a very pretty girl.”
And I know
that I don’t hate myself enough to keep buying us furniture
To keep nailing pictures up

Like a child with my ego all scuffed up
I will pull on my short skirt and brace my wobbly ankles
And I will hurriedly search for a man with similar stature
It’s much easier than creating the ruler lines of an elaborate execution
And my new naive fellow
He will emerge from a cocoon as the old me and I will be the same old you who does not love the anything me

Life is many things
And I wasn’t the one who said “nice”


“That just made me snarf, Yo!” Can’t believe I turned down a 100k job!!!:(:(


Well, Would Ya Look At That?! Just Look At It! (The LA Dating Strategy, a Memoir)

I’ve met so many douchebags before that not much surprises me. (Scroll down for my “Nice Guys” story if you want to know a little about that…) I was forewarned countless times by countless people about the specific “Hollywood Douchbag” before I moved here. But, like I said, been there done that- and I’m pretty good about staying away from/not dealing with that kind of person. Coming to LA at 28, I’m not hanging out in the club scenes (where most douchbags snake around.) Coming to LA lazy as I’ve always been, I’m not running into DB’s in the gym either. THEY LOVE THE GYM!!! I work my job and I come home. On Mondays I’ll hit up a beach boardwalk or a comedy show at Meltdown. That. About. It.

But, still I am stuck in a quicksand of douchbaggery. How? WELP…

These douchbags are different from any DB”s I’ve ever encountered before. They work in packs, teams. They also don’t flaunt how rich they are, which is weird. Instead they offer you jobs. They talk about how happily married they are, they talk about their kids. Some of them ever INTRODUCE their wife to you! So, you may figure it’s “safe.” Like I said, they work in packs. You meet their wife, ya best believe their wife is in on it, homie.

Anyway, I work at a bar. I waited on a table. Two undercover DB’s are at the table, asking me if I know who they are. I put on my “naive but super interested” face, all the while worrying my eyeballs would roll all the way up into my skull. Blah blah blah, this dude owns whatever and this dude is semi famous….Blah blah casting director….Music industry….Rihanna…

At the end of the conversation I make it clear that I cannot sing or act, and I came here for the weather. The one dude literally snorted when I said that. Later in the night I was talking to one of their wives, and she was actually hilarious. We were joking about her enormous boobs, which would be smashed against my own flat chest in mere minutes as she hugged me goodbye. But not without first adding me on facebook. Then half the table followed suit, all finding my private profile through her and I’s new friendship- which was totally fine. They were a good party who genuinely made me laugh. Cut to later in the week.

Soon after “Wifey” added me, I notice her marriage is clearly on the rocks- with both her and her husband bombarding my news feed with really lame break up memes. You know the ones, it’s always some stupid picture of a girl holding flowers walking toward a sunset and that Bob Marley relationship quote that someone else actually made up… Shit like that, ALL THE TIME. Then I get a semi flirtatious text from her hubby and ignore it. He calls the next day, and I answer- telling him I’m out with my boyfriend. He says, “Oh, you’re still doing that?”

“YUP.”

But he says he’d like to talk about possible jobs I could work. Struggling to feed and house my boyfriend, cat, dog, and myself on only my income was super stressful and I am ALWAYS looking for extra work. I agree to meet him to talk, but only at my bar. That night I sat alone at the bar with my dog and my beer until 11pm. No show, no text. I realized I was waiting for someone to show up and talk to me about a job I didn’t even want. I realized I’d felt obligated. I realized I was only there to be nice. I was relieved he never showed. Now I had an out! All the while, his “business partner” had also been texting me, which wasn’t abnormal since they co owned the company they were pretending to want me to work for. He was also flirty, but I could tell he had a wife he was scared of. I concluded she probably made most of the money in the situation.

When I got home that night, I decided to delete them all off of my facebook and clean my hands of the bizarre situation. I didn’t need dude’s soon to be ex wife trying to karate me with those humongous boobies, or flirty texts from her husband, or unnamed job offers (void of description) from his partner. I figured they wouldn’t notice…

The exact second I deleted the three of them (1AM on a freaking tuesday!) they were texting me. These dudes must have been on my page 24/7! Or at least late night.The texts were crazy. I went back to their pages and fully blocked them, they got crazier. I’ll add the texts later, as they are actually hilarious.
 But at this point I was a little worried, so I looked them up again…. These guys have soooo many profiles on facebook! I blocked all of them. I must’ve missed one- or they made ANOTHER one, because a month later (two days ago), they FB messaged me AGAIN. AHHHHH!

I blocked the sixth page:) But one can never be sure, and that’s why I am posting this HERE rather than THERE.

SHIT IS CRAY, welcome to LA?


adornoble:

I’ve been casually trying to find this video on tumblr dot com since October when I was hungover and watched it for about 5 minutes without stopping

suffice it to say it is one of the greatest of all existing videos

(via thebitchpudding)


Me stating my beliefs isn’t a jab at the people, or an underscore in any way. I love the people so much, that I am alarmed and offended that they are in fact being mislead. Everyone wants to shoot the messengers…


So You Wanna Cat, Huh?

So, I fully support doing research before buying/acquiring anything- but ESPECIALLY ANIMALS. Sadly, the majority of people looking into pet ownership have unrealistic expectations of said pets, and due to the overwhelming amount of people I personally know who have recently decided to obtain kittens only to give up on them has prompted me to write this list. Here is what to realistically expect from a pet cat. 

IN GENERAL, CATS DON’T GIVE A SHIT

Most cats are very independent, self reliant animals. If your best friends snuggly cat has prompted you to get your own, keep in mind that every cat has a different personality. You cannot tell whether the kitten you buy will grow up to be extremely moody, a total love bug, or a boring layabout. Different breeds have different characteristics, but for the most part it’s good to go in assuming your new cat will generally be selfish. Especially if you are used to the behavior of dogs. 

DONT GET A CAT TO TAKE THE PLACE OF THE DOG YOU WANT BUT FOR SOME REASON CANT HAVE RIGHT NOW

There is a reason behind the “Dog People” and “Cat People” thing. A dog is most interested in making and keeping you happy with him. A dog desperately seeks your approval, he is your loyal servant. A cat puts itself before you and shows it’s affection differently and less visibly. Over time, you will begin to appreciate the little things your cat does to show affection towards you. They become, in my opinion, more rewarding, because God knows it’s hard to please a cat. You will also learn the ways in which to tell when your cat is happy. For example; my cat would sit on the toilet around 7 am, knowing my dad was getting up soon for work to immediately take his shower. Her little greeting every morning let him know that she loved him. I have also noticed that my cat is happiest at night when Rob and I are both home. I can tell she is excited because she does this manic thing where she rips around the room like a speed demon and chases her tail. This type of behavior might piss off a first time cat owner who can’t decode a cats behavior.

 IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TRAIN YOUR CAT

Cats love counters, cabinets, beds, and sinks. Yelling at your cat is usually effective in keeping them away from these things, for about two seconds. Don’t waste your energy- just know that they will always have access to these things and basically they will be wherever they want whenever they want. I know my cat will be over at the sink while I am at work, so I make sure to drain all the soap/water/food before I leave. I re clean the counters before making any food on them. A water filled spray bottle is best at curbing these behaviors, but I wouldn’t assume it will stop it forever. Cats do what they want, and to be a good cat owner means respecting and coming to love that about them. It gets worse…

SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR NICE RUG/COUCH/BLINDS

When owning a cat, it’s best not to invest in expensive rugs, couches, or bedding. A cat will most likely also break your blinds. It’s smart to use curtains instead of blinds, buy a couple different couch covers, and keep your cats claws clipped. Cats love to scratch things. One reason is that they actually have to, to shed parts of their nails. The other part is instinct. In the old days they used to de claw cats which is totally selfish and abusive. A cats claw is attached to his knuckle bone, and thankfully for the past couple of years this has been considered inhumane and most vets no longer offer this option. You’re buying an animal with claws, remember that. 

CAT PEE

Once you’ve smelled cat pee, you will never forget it. I promise you that your cat WILL pee on something you love, if not a lot of things. I’ve lost many shoes and expensive leather jackets to my cat. Cat pee is really hard to wash out and is high in ammonia. There are a bunch of really dumb wives tales regarding how to teach your cat not to pee outside of it’s box. Pushing a cats face into its own pee is ridiculous and stupid. The only way to curb this is to make sure your litter box is clean and accessible and keep your clothes and shoes off the floor. Cats will pee on things that smell like other animals to establish their dominance, they will pee on things out of resentment/fear, and they will pee on things if their litter box is gross. 

HITTING YOUR CAT

The most you can do to a cat is lightly swat its butt. You really can’t “punish” a cat, especially with violence- EVEN IF YOUR CAT BITES AND SCRATCHES. I don’t know one cat owner who hasn’t had cat scratch scabs lacing their arms at one point or another. My cat will even bite if I don’t handle her “correctly”- ie: the way she wants. Cats are known for harboring great resentment. Yelling, hitting, and isolating/ignoring your cat does nothing but make it hate you- trust me- and will make it worse. Consider your cat a total anarchist and accept it. Like I said, a water bottle to spray your cat and a repellent spray to keep it away from certain areas is the best option. It’s extremely hard to gain and regain a cats trust. 

SICKNESS

 There will be fleas, worms, respiratory infections, dental problems, vaccines, and possibly much worse. There will be strange things a vet won’t immediately be able to diagnose, and many treatment options. You will spend a lot of money keeping your cat healthy, especially if your cat is an outdoor cat!!!

ALL THIS BEING SAID

Cats are great! They are self cleaning animals. They don’t need to be walked or taken to the bathroom twice a day. They are cute as all hell. They are super intuitive and incredibly smart. There are many struggles you will have to shrug off. At the end of each day, it’s worth it. But buying/adopting a kitten only to give it back is horrible. Each day that passes after a kitten is born makes it less and less adoptable. Giving your kitten back as an older kitten or as a cat is basically a death sentence. Consider these things before adding a cat to your household!


That awkward moment when there is no awkward moment, you’re just awkward.


Adjectives

i cant speak so i stay real quiet

take it as meek but i think im a lion

and really what would talking accomplish

that silence wont point out in the long stretch

i stumble over lost cause and sunk ships every day

at the end of it all theres not much left to say

cept sorry


dear, it seems that we’re sinking

everyone’s offering up their floats

but there’s a special agreement between a captain and his boat


and when our plans go awry

at least they cant say we didnt try


This person is in college and cant even spell fucking college. But he’ll get a better job then me…. fucking morons

$115,000 range

Rosa June 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I agree with you, but you have to admit even when some people get their degrees, it does not mean they know what they are doing. It is sad but true.
I still believe in collage though, I am struggling trying to get my degree, hopefully i will graduate soon. :)

REPLY

Dd July 24, 2012 at 10:58 pm

You believe in college not collage.


I’m on a website that debates whether the job of dental hygienist requires a degree and the comments are making me pee

LOL

It took you 2 years of adult education to learn how to clean teeth? Most people learn that as children.Even periodontal hygiene is easy enough for a trained monkey. Don’t get upset that you aren’t respected, just be happy that you’re overpaid.  

Reply

Wow yeah that’s hilarious not…obviously you don’t know most, not only states, but actual dentist offices require you go for two years am the stuff you learn is impossible as a kid because the stuff is so advanced a child’s head would blow off from its body I bet if you went you’d could last the a amount if smarts you need is beyond your own comprehension point.

SO ADVANCED a childs head would BLOW OFF FROM ITS BODY!


People’s fear of certain animals and insects is not natural and sprung from our gradual separation from nature throughout history.
The majority of modern people only tolerate what’s tame-able, edible, and/or cute.